My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Friends Abandoning Me?

I had some massive trouble with Alcoholism in my 20's!  Quite normal for people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (like me).  Best stay on the wagon :)

I had some massive trouble with Alcoholism in my 20’s! Quite normal for people suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (like me). Best stay on the wagon!

When I was growing up from say my mid-teens to very early 20’s, I remember hanging out with this group of “Friends”.  Even though I say the term “Friends” with a level of sarcasm, I think at the start they were actually my friends, but then over time they became clearly my “Friends”.

I was telling this story to a few people lately, Jenny Kuo, Luke Goodman and also to Matt Craig and reflecting on how things change and what happens.  When I was younger, I used to have a group of friends, a “Circle” as you will.  It was Tim, Jodi, Troy, Ben and a few other characters which for the life of me I can’t remember!

We had some good times for sure and in those days, I was always the “Under Confident” one of the lot.  That is, I would be the “Supporter” of the team, always doing what they want  and bending to their will.  I actually had some big “Mental” problems so to speak while I was younger.

I had a few life threatening situations (another story for another time) and got stalked by a drug dealer, shot at, threatened with knives and badly assaulted on several occasions.  I one time got strangled to the point of having very dark marks on my neck for days which I covered up with a scarf so my parents wouldn’t see it (It was winter fortunately!).

Without realizing, as a Teenager I developed a moderate case of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (with a heavy bout of Alcoholism  I had to deal with in my late 20’s! (But Again another story for another time).  I then spent thousands later on for a Psychologist who Specializes in Child Abuse and War Veterans.  I remember hearing that I had the emotional scarring of many Vietnam Veterans he saw (because even though I never saw an actual “Battlefield” the extensive beating and threats as a “Teenager” has a greater impact on one’s brain, say compared to being an adult).

Anyway – where was I? Yes, I suffered from heavy emotional problems and as I got better and healthier mentally, my confidence naturally rose.  You probably know where this story is going!  As I got better, I started speaking my own voice and preferences and guess what happened – this disrupted the precedent and order of things and the group started getting irritated with me.  I remember two of the ring leaders, Ben & Tim were putting a lot of pressure on me to “Conform” with the expectations and we started fighting.  Then, while I was busy working away – they turned most of the group against me and I was vilified!

Even though it sounds laughable in hindsight compared to what I am sure you are (and me too) dealing with our lives right now, it was actually quite a painful experience that created a range of Social Problems for me later.  As I was working through Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Dealing with my Alcoholism (which is quite normal for people with PTSD).  I also destroyed many great relationships which was completely my fault in fear of getting close to anyone again.

Ben, Tim and the Group really did hurt me in a quite a few ways and in moving on in life – the irony was that a few of them tried adding me on Facebook a few years ago.  It was like “Everything” is just great and nothing happened and they wanted to be buddies.  I even spoke to Ben for a short time, then decided to move on from them. Although I don’t wish any harm to them – certainly didn’t want to connect with them based on what they did to me.

The big thing I have been learning and reflecting on has been “Learning to Trust” again. I have been working with a few clients who have had people abandon them. Be it to relationships breaking down, friends moving on and then feeling paranoid and not being able to get close to anyone again.  In fact, even I have a bit of a guard up when it comes to getting “Too Close” to people.  A certain good friend (you know how I am talking about) has cracked my facade a bit and certainly started helping me in learning to trust again and that sort of thing (this is not a clue “Kenny Juo”).

One thing this has got me reflecting on is that I have some fantastic friends these days.  I do certainly take them for granted sometimes and I am well aware of that weakness of mine and doing my best to really acknowledge and look after them.  I am starting to realize later in life that Real Friends put up with your upsides and downsides!  Yes, you may have fights with people – but you all kiss and make up and move on which is what it’s all about.

So thanks for reading this Post / Diary Entry! I am very happy with the friends I have made these days and lucky to have them around.  Those mean people from my Teen Years – Peehhh! I look forward to ignoring their Facebook Requests in future!

If you are going through a breakup, or a bunch of friends have dumped you – I feel for you! If you are “Alone in the Dark”, like I used to be, please don’t be too lonely.  Have a good giving heart and you will find some great people who return the love & respect you give.

Thanks again for the read and appreciated! I will have to write more articles about the pain of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – it hurts!

Why Does Society Want us to Conform and Not Think?

Isn't it fun doing what we are told?

Hey you stupid and delusional “Positive Thinkers” out there!I have a new challenge for you – if the world is such an “Abundant” and “Nice” place, then why does it not accept us and want to change us all the time? “Society” “Brainwashing” and “Conditioning” us is nothing new, in fact – such ideas are often discussed and has really become an issue in modern Pop Culture today. Still however, if you think back to the days we are born to modern day adults, it’s almost at every turn “Society” and people in it are making us “Conform” to something.

In fact, don’t you feel that we are continually being:

– Told what to think? – Told what to wear? – Told what is appropriate? – Told what is inappropriate? – And Controlled in some way?

Don’t get me wrong, I really do believe in the rule of law and all that – otherwise, if there weren’t some kind of structure or laws – it would lead to a complete anarchy that is no good for anyone. Obviously you can’t run around “Shooting People” or going to Woolworth’s naked (all though it would be a very funny prank on the latter!

What I am more directing this at is more on a “Subtle” level. That is, when we are in the workplace, we have to be “Politically Correct” all the time, we can’t speak out against certain people who are protected by management (for whatever stupid / lame reason) or even when you have a circle of friends with certain “Political” or “Religious” beliefs – you say something the “Group” disagrees with, well don’t you wind up an outcast fast!

On a very odd note, when I became a “Born Again” Christian, I was warned non-stop that people will try and bring you down and all this stuff. Strangely enough that never happened! But when I became a Vegetarian and had a thing against killing animals, I was all of a sudden “Strange”, “Stupid” and “Against the System”.

It’s like WTF!! Why is everyone so trying to get us to fit in? Where did it become such a crime to do your own thing? Why can’t people accept differences? Not just me, but a lot of people I know have come down to this type of conclusion, that is: We are trained at a basic level by society that being “Different” is “Wrong”.

Schools, books and stuff all play “Lip-Service” to the concept that we are individuals, but come on – a few years in the playground or in the workplace would make one realise otherwise! So where am I going with all this?

If we spend our lives living into a “Shell” by what’s imposed on us and is not truly what we want, we can go on having incredibly average, mediocre (and often poorly paid) lives! So here is the problem, we get all “Positive” and start creating something “New” and then what happens? As we change, society (i.e. people we know, the workplace etc) all grabs us and tries to bring us back down again. Or in some other cases unfortunately, the “Positive Thinkers” trying to change us, may be doing it for sinister financial reasons.

My suggestion is for anyone (that like me) was leading a life that you didn’t pick – is to really stand back and think about what you want. This can be really hard if you have had years of being “Society’s Bitch” (as I did and still do to some extent).

When you find out what you want and you know its the right thing, be willing to make a stand for what you believe in – and go for it! Just watch out for those extremists, i.e. “Negative Thinkers” who want to keep you in your place and “Positive Thinkers” from Cults who are trying to extort your hard earned cash!

I wish I learn this stuff 20 years ago!!